Temple of Groom
This one is from last year’s 64 Plays in 64 Days project, where I wrote, filmed, edited, and uploaded 64 plays in… well, it’s in the title. If you didn’t know about it, please check them out and enjoy. If you were around me last summer and have already heard about this ad nauseum, yes I’m bringing this up again and no, I will never, NEVER let it go.
So I’m recapping this season of HBO’s The Newsroom over at The Pembertonian Museum. I’ll link things here, but go ahead and check it out. Recaps (hopefully) run on Mondays over the course of the season.
The premiere recap is in the above link, so there you go. (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t laughably bad, which is an improvement. I didn’t even groan once!)
What Is Real Bacon?
On this day, one-thousand, six-hundred and fifty nine years ago, the nomadic wizard known only as The Master of Rocks discovered the Stone Americum in the darkest foothills of the Chilean Andes. Raising it above his head, he felt a strong pull, and the Stone lead the Master north.
Onward The Master marched, never once stopping, eating only what he could convince villagers to hand-feed him. Few understood, many shunned him as a mad man, but the men that did were the believers who followed him (though none dared help The Master carry the stone, understanding how destiny works). These pilgrims joined him in his trek.
Through mountains and jungles, deserts and grassy plains, the Master of Rocks led his cadre of men as far as his legs could carry the Stone Americum. Suddenly, precisely one year to the day after discovering the stone, The Master and his cadre of worshipers found themselves in an endless wheat field, fenced in by an army of tornadoes. As the twisters whipped back and forth, The Master stood on his last strength, held The Stone to the heavens and released a terrible curse upon the weather. He fell to his knees and toppled forward. As The Stone hit the ground, a shockwave reverberated that was so intense, the tornadoes straightened, fell silent, and turned to glass, metal, and stone.
These are the great skyscrapers of our country; those men that followed are the Founding Fathers; and the nation bourn out of that crater was The United States of America.
But something happened The Stone had not intended. A thousand miles southwest of the crater, the shockwave cracked the earth. Faults were to be expected and would become lakes or rivers, but this one refused water like a fasting protester. This grand canyon began splitting and continues splitting open to this day. Once it opens far enough, the nation will literally collapse into itself and the ensuing cloud will suffocate the planet. The United States will be pulled downward by the malicious monster, Hyganth Vissith, a two-headed copperhead whose fangs possess nuclear strength. According to legend, we still await a new Master of Rocks to guard the canyon and slay Hyganth Vissith when he attempts his escape and destruction.
On this anniversary, we remind ourselves of our vigilance. The Master may be among us, with a diamond skeleton, a toothless grin, and giant callouses for feet. We remind ourselves this day each year that we must watch for him and embrace his return to prevent the ruination of the United States of America.
Happy Fourth of July everyone, and may the Hyganth Vissith hold off for at least another year.
Hendel Off The Handle 